Death of a Stupid Man?

Some things defy explanation. They must be taken on faith; you either understand it or you don't. I believe the image above is all the explanation most people will need in order to understand this post. Unlike all of my other posts thus far, this doesn't contain a recipe, images taken during preparation, or fancy lessons learned during the process of making this monstrosity. Instead, I'm posting a single image: one that conveys all that needs to be said.

The wonder depicted at the top of this post is known as the Coronary Burger (at least as far as I know), and may be one of the most awesome things in the universe. It may also be the cause of my untimely death--that remains to be seen, of course. As may be evident, it is a burger, but in place of buns it utilizes two grilled cheese sandwiches. Naturally, no burger is complete without bacon, which is amply represented by four slices piled atop the patty itself. Condiments are necessary as well, of course: slight mayo on both "buns" and an ample portion of ketchup (read: half a bottle).

Some may call me crazy for making this creature, and crazier still for eating it. I pity those unfortunate souls, for they shall never understand the wonder that is this burger. It was a marvel to behold and a delight to consume. While my heart may not appreciate the years I just took off my life, I consider the sacrifice well worth it. Attempt at your own risk!

The Red Cake of Courage

Red velvet cake (or cupcakes, as the case may be) seems to be one of those odd culinary devices that holds a strange fascination for a lot of people, be they chefs or cupcake enthusiasts. I had never heard of them until the last year or two, and I must admit, I was curious as well. It's relatively unusual to have such vivid colors in one's baked goods, and although I've never really been as fond of cupcakes as I am of some other desserts, they certainly are one dessert that's easy to share.

The approach of Valentine's day seems to trigger some primeval drive in food bloggers to post their versions of this recipe, and while I haven't monitored things this year to see if this trend continues, I figure I may as well do my share. Cliche or not, I'm planning to make these again this weekend to share with a friend of mine who suffers from Celiac's, which obviously complicates baked goods. In order to ensure that she's properly impressed, I decided to do a test run of the recipe to sample on some unsuspecting coworkers; that way, I could make any necessary adjustments well ahead of time and be properly impressive when the time came. This plan, as it turns out, was unnecessary: the damn things turned out perfect as far as I'm concerned, and thankfully is all set to go again this weekend. Let's hope they're the success that they should be!

Red Velvet Cupcakes
(Recipe stolen and modified from Paula Deen)

Ingredients
Cupcakes
2.5c Gluten-free flour blend*
2tbsp Unsweetened cocoa powder
1tsp Baking soda
1tsp Salt
1tsp Xantham gum
1.5c Sugar
1.5c Vegetable/Canola oil
2 Eggs
1c Buttermilk
2tbsp (1oz) Red food coloring
1tsp White vinegar
1tsp Vanilla extract

*Since this recipe was largely stolen from a non-gluten-free version, standard AP flour will work just as well in a straight-up substitution.

Frosting
2.5c Powdered sugar
16oz Cream cheese
1/2c (1 stick) Unsalted butter
1tsp Vanilla extract
1/2tsp Salt

Preheat oven to 350F

Procedure

Note: The area in which I tended to deviate from Paula's recipe is mostly in the manner/order in which the ingredients were mixed. These steps (or the inspiration for them) were borrowed from various other sources, which I unfortunately forgot to make a note of.

Mix the flour, cocoa, baking soda, salt, and xantham gum in a medium mixing bowl with a fork--note that since you're attempting to aerate the mixture somewhat, there is no such thing as too much mixing at this point. After the ingredients are properly blended, set the dry mixture aside. Add the oil and sugar to a second mixing bowl (ideally the one attached to a stand mixer) and start mixing at medium speed. Continue mixing until the ingredients appear to have made a gooey paste.

Mixing the sugar and oil together for a few minutes allows them to form a weak emulsification; the eggs we add next will help maintain it.

While the mixer is going, pour the buttermilk, food coloring, vinegar, and vanilla in a cup or small bowl. Mix the contents briefly with a fork to ensure that the coloring is distributed thoroughly. Returning to the mixer, add the eggs to the sugar paste, one at a time, ensuring that the first has completely vanished before adding the second. As mentioned in the caption above, the eggs will help ensure that the sugar and oil remain mixed properly by preventing them from separating into their individual components. To finalize this process, add 1/4 of the dry ingredients with the mixer on low speed (adding it on medium will result in a large cloud of powder coating you and your kitchen). I say this finalizes the process because the oil/sugar substance will be bound to the dry mixture, preventing the aforementioned separation; we only add 1/4 of the mix because there isn't enough liquid in the bowl to properly coat the entire batch of dry ingredients. Consequently, you now add 1/3 of the wet mixture. Continue in the same manner, alternating wet and dry (with the 1/4 and 1/3 ratio, you should start and finish with dry additions) until both mixtures have been incorporated in the bowl. At this point, the red color is ... evident.

I recommend tasting the mix to see if anything seems off. My gluten-free flour blend lends a peculiar taste to baked goods pre-baking, but my batter was still rather tasty.

Note: I suppose now is a good time to mention that if you're making this using standard AP flour, do not overmix! Lumps are OK, but overmixing will lead to activating the gluten in the flour, which will result in chewy cupcakes. Of course, since I was working gluten-free, I didn't worry about this!

Line a muffin tin (12 spots preferred!) with cupcake liners and fill each container about 2/3 to 3/4 full of the batter (I find that an ice cream scoop works well for this) and bake at 350F for 20-22 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center of one comes out clean. At this point, your cupcakes should look edible, yet adorable.

I was rather proud that I didn't slop much all over the pan. You must be duly impressed.

Allow the cupcakes to cool in the pan for a few minutes until they can be removed to a wire cooling rack (or a countertop; I'm not picky). This recipe makes somewhere between 20 and 24 cupcakes, depending on how ambitious you are with your batter scoops. While they're cooling, cream the butter, cream cheese, vanilla, salt, and powdered sugar together in a bowl (ideally the same bowl used for the cupcake batter--after cleaning it, of course). If you're using an electric mixer, I strongly recommend that you start on low speed for the first few minutes. After the sugar has been completely incorporated, speed things up to medium-high until the consistency seems right (spreadable, but not too airy). At this point, sample the frosting to see if it's up to your standards; you can add up to 1.5c of additional powdered sugar if desired, but I find that this tends to kill the kick from the cream cheese. Frost the cupcakes generously and gorge as desired!

Lessons Learned
As I mentioned early on, the transformation from glutenized to gluten-free for this recipe was quite seamless; quite frankly, I was pleasantly shocked. My gluten-free experiments have mostly been great so far, but I was worried this one would require a few iterations. Here's hoping the gluten-free friend they were designed for is as impressed as I was!