Sourdough Chocolate Cake

Why no, it's not supposed to be half frosting. Why do you ask?

As the relatively unappealing image above may demonstrate, this recipe is certainly not one of my resounding successes. That said, it wasn't an appalling failure either; consider it something of a happy medium--a bold recipe that is bravely willing to straddle the line between "meh" and "pants-wettingly-awesome".

Comparing my image above with that displayed on the main recipe's page (source) raises a couple of questions:

1) What went wrong?

... Upon reflection, that's the only question I have. And truth be told, I think I have an answer; unfortunately, there's rather little I can do about it. But far be it from me to deny my readers the experience of reading my prose simply because I couldn't handle a few simple steps. Onward!

Sourdough Chocolate Cake
(Approrpiated from King Arthur Flour's blog)

Ingredients
Cake
1c Active sourdough starter
1c Milk
2c Flour
1.5c Sugar
1c Vegetable oil
2tsp Vanilla
1tsp Salt
1.5tsp Baking soda
3/4c Cocoa powder (not Dutch process)
2 Eggs

Icing*
6c Powdered sugar
1/2c Butter, softened (1 stick)
1/2c Plain yogurt
1/2c Peanut butter
1tbsp Hot water

Garnish
1/3c Chocolate chips
1tbsp Milk
1tbsp Corn syrup

* You'll notice that I changed the type of icing used from coffee (original) to peanut butter (mine). This is not entirely due to flavor preferences; I also couldn't find any espresso powder at the store, so came up with an alternative on the fly.

Preheat oven to 350F

Procedure
In order to prepare properly, I activated my starter the previous evening (in accordance with standard sourdough preparation: remove from fridge, add 1/2c warm water and 1c flour, let sit for a while) and then added the milk and flour the following morning. I then proceeded to let it sit on the counter until I was ready to deal with it. Contrary to the main page's instructions, mine didn't appear to rise over the course of the day, but such things are really hard to measure anyway.

While the dough is resting/rising(ish), beat the sugar, oil, vanilla, salt, baking soda, and cocoa powder in a mixing bowl until well-blended. Add the eggs individually, allowing each to fully incorporate before adding the next.

Once the mixture is ... mixed, and the dough has risen (ish), add the chocolate mixture to the dough and stir to incorporate. This will require a great deal of patience, as a relatively thick dough doesn't like dissolving into a liquid (more on this later). Pour the mixture into a greased 9x13 pan and bake for about 40 minutes.

As the cake cools, you may prep the icing. Add the butter, peanut butter, water, and yogurt to a small saucepan and melt over medium heat, stirring frequently. (Note that if you stop stirring for too long, the peanut butter will probably scorch on the bottom of the pan.) After the mixture starts to boil, pour it over the powdered sugar and stir until thoroughly blended. Pour the resulting goo over the cooling cake.

The final garnish is optional, but helps add a bit of character to the cake's appearance. Simply melt the chocolate chips, corn syrup, and milk in a small bowl (the microwave works well for this, just go slowly) and then drizzle it over the top of the frosting.

Yeah, I'm horrible at the garnish part.

Lessons Learned
As I noted above, I encountered some trouble with the process of mixing the dough with the chocolate batter--notably, that they don't want to mix. They hate mixing. The sourdough has no trouble breaking up into smaller chunks and vanishing into a puddle of brown, but they're still there, waiting, like little chewy time bombs planning to wreak havoc on the texture of this cake. And that's precisely what happened to me: since you typically don't want to overmix gluteny goods, I erred on the side of caution and left some small fragments of dough scattered throughout my batter. These fragments, upon encountering the warm oven environment, transform into indigestible lumps of textural devastation in an otherwise mediocre cake. The best comparison I can come up with is akin to baked wafers (another disaster I've encountered first-hand, mind you): they're chewy and don't break down in the mouth, leaving you dissatisfied and curious as to what's going wrong.

The only other major problem I had was due entirely to my own modifications: as stated, I couldn't get espresso powder at the store, and settled on peanut butter as a substitution. However, I failed to take into consideration the fact that coffee (bitter) and a ton of sugar (sweet) mixes with yogurt (sour) to make something relatively balanced in the original recipe. My own version, peanut butter (sweet), sugar (sweet), and yogurt (sour), however, is extremely sweet (unsurprisingly), and completely overwhelms the cake itself. If I were to try the same substitution again, I would make a cream cheese based frosting rather than the powdered sugar type, as that would rebalance the flavors and allow the cake to shine through.

A final note: the cake's texture wasn't exactly cake-like (sourdough clumps aside); it was closer to a brownie. I suspect that in part this is because my sourdough yeast may not be active enough to provide the rise I need, but some further experimentation is needed to reach any real conclusion there. All in all, this was an interesting recipe, but not one I plan to attempt again; I'm content to make my cakes with chemical leaveners and leave the yeast to the goods they do best.

Low Fat "Brownies"

I tag these as "brownies" instead of brownies because I believe some things are sacred. The combination of butter, sugar and chocolate that creates the divine fudgey nature of the brownie cannot be faked. Using anything other than those magical three foodstuffs with a few extra ingredients to make it all come together is absolutely required if you're going to call your result a brownie.

Despite my propensity for using what Shawn calls "fake sugar", I do believe that dessert should, in general, be dessert and use the real thing. That being said, if the result is not appreciably degraded by using fakes, then I see nothing wrong with lowering the calories. For instance, making cheesecake with fake sugars rarely has much of an impact on the resulting product since its the fat which carries most of the load in making cheesecake the delight that it is. Also, sometimes people simply want to lower the poor nutritional profile of their sweets and making some modifications can help with that.

Brownies are one of those things which notoriously cannot be faked because both the butter and sugar are essential to the texture and richness. I have made a type of "Amish brownie" before which used applesauce instead of butter. It was good, but more of a dense cake than a fudge brownie. It was by far the best fake I've ever made, and I've made some pretty miserable fakes with Splenda granular. You can try and replace the butter, but you cannot reduce the sugar in cakes in my experience. The result will always be like rubber if you use fake sugar.

I was inspired to find this recipe while reading a food review blog called "Nutritious Junk". The writer of that blog included a recipe and a picture of what appeared to be completely normal-looking brownies. I have some confidence based on my experience with Splenda-based baked goods that the brownies in her picture were not the ones you'd see if you used the recipe she detailed. In fact, I'm pretty sure you'd get a piece of brown rain boot material if you followed that recipe.

I found this recipe on Recipe Zaar. It's supposed to be a clone of a box mix of low fat brownies called "No Pudge". I have no access to such treats since I'm living in Japan, but I had read positive reviews of this brand's "No Pudge Fudge" before. Getting back to the recipe though, it has a lot of variations listed by readers and the author. You can include egg whites, or not. You can include wheat gluten, or not. The egg white version is supposed to be more cake-like, so I opted to leave them out. Wheat gluten is supposed to make them rise a bit better. Here is the recipe that I tried:

• 1/2 tsp. vital wheat gluten
• 1 cup sugar
• 3/4 cup cake flour
• 1/2 cup Dutch process cocoa
• 2 tsp. cornstarch
• 1/4 tsp. baking soda
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 2/3 cup plain, low-fat yogurt
• 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
  

Mix the dry ingredients together, then add the yogurt and vanilla extract then stir until just blended. Don't mix it anymore than necessary. Spread in a greased 8" x 8" pan and bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit (180 degrees Centigrade) for 25 minutes. I used a glass dish, so your baking time may vary. Don't overbake it because it may kill the fudge-like texture.


These brownies look exactly like the picture of them on Recipe Zaar. They aren't, however, indistinguishable from normal brownies as many reviewers say in the comments on Recipe Zaar. They definitely are different from the real thing in terms of taste and texture. They are fudge-like and have a pretty good chocolate flavor. They're more like moist cake though than a brownie. The top does not get crispy or crackly like real brownies. Unsurprisingly, they also taste different. They don't taste bad, but have an unusual taste because of the yogurt.

Another thing to keep in mind is that these are lower calorie than normal brownies, but they aren't low calorie. If you cut these into 16 servings, each is a small portion for 80 calories each. You have to ask yourself if the pleasure you get from these is worth it when you can have other small treats for the same number of calories. I think these would be best used for someone who has dietary concerns related to fat and cholesterol consumption rather than as a lower calorie replacement for brownies or chocolate treats. Frankly, I get more pleasure out of a 100-calorie pack of York wafer bars than I get out of an 80-calorie brownie made with yogurt.

I tried these both alone and as part of a reduced calorie brownie sundae (with reduced calorie vanilla ice cream). They remind me a lot of a type of low-fat cookie that my husband I used to buy many years ago made by a company called "Heaven Scent". Those cookies are no longer made by that company. I'm guessing that they discontinued their low fat cookie options when that fad died off. I have a sense that one could make a cookie out of these by reducing the amount of yogurt or adding in an egg and more flour. They definitely taste fine, but are not really a brownie.

Update: I served 5 of these at a get-together with a few former coworkers and they both seemed to really enjoy them. I was told they didn't really taste low fat or "healthy". I ate one of them and my guests consumed the other four, so I think these are possibly even better if you serve them to people who don't know what sort of fakery is going on. I also felt they were better the next day than the first day.

by Shari (Orchid64)

Shoddy Souffle

I hate souffles.

The souffle (no, no accent; I can't be bothered to figure out how to type one) is a creation that inspires well-documented fear in amateur cooks, ostensibly because experienced ones have shared their horror stories regarding the fluffy disastor-in-waiting. A "good" souffle is many things: poofy, yet rich; airy, yet filling; springy, yet cohesive; and, perhaps most importantly, challenging, yet delicious.

Inspired by my friend Shari's gentle prodding (or insistent demand, depending on who you ask) that I attempt a recipe she discovered, I took it upon myself to make my first attempt at this mysterious juxtaposition of conflicting descriptions. Naturally, I had to try a "non-traditional" souffle recipe as my first creation, and just as naturally, it was a miserable mess, and met none of the criteria I so painstakingly listed in the paragraph above. Never one to turn my back on a delightful "disaster post", I now proudly display my failed dish of banana pudding and bubbles in order that these mistakes never be made again. I must warn you, however, that some of the images (including the one at the top of this post) contain graphic depictions of unappetizing culinary creations, and as such, should not be viewed while a) eating, b) in the dark, alone, c) pregnant, or d) a master chef.

Banana Souffle

(Stolen from Tasty Eats At Home )

Ingredients

2 ripe bananas, mashed

3tbsp water

1/3c plus 1tbsp sugar

1/2tsp cornstarch

pinch of cinnamon

4 egg whites

pinch of salt

Preheat oven to 400F

Procedure

I like to get all the required ingredients together so I can look at them prior to starting. That way, when I forget something, I can see that it was because I forgot it in the first place and not because kitchen gnomes came in and stole the salt.

Prior to attempting the preparation, butter and sugar 4 ramekins (or, in my case, a single souffle dish) and set aside. Mix the water and the 1/3c sugar in a small saucepan and set over medium-high heat until it reaches a boil. In the meanttime, mash the hell out of those bananas (or cheat, and use a food processor, blender. Cheater.) and mix the cinnamon and corn starch into the mashed goo. Verify that the sugar has dissolved in the water and remove the saucepan from the heat. Stir the banana sludge into the syrup until thoroughly incorporated and set aside to cool.

The recipe's creator notes here, and I re-emphasize: make sure the mixture cools to room temperature before proceeding. It shouldn't take long, but if it's overly warm, it'll break apart the whipped egg whites and screw up your bubbles later on.

While the mixture is cooling, add the egg whites to a mixing bowl (ideally the bowl that goes with your stand mixer. ... What? I can cheat too. Shut up!) and mix until slightly frothy. Add the salt and continue mixing until the "soft peaks" stage is reached. Be sure not to overmix! When finished, bring the banana slime back to the equation and set it alongside the egg whites, just so they know who's boss.

Despite my intimidation technique, the ingredients didn't seem to take me very seriously, judging by my result.

Now that the ingredients have been put in their proper places, it is time to fold. Gently fold the egg whites into the brown goo, and don't over-fold: some white streaks are fine, as you want to retain that bubbly action for the rising portion later.

Hungry yet?

Pour the entire mixture into your ramekins (or souffle) and place them (it) into the oven. After it's in, reduce the heat to 375F and bake for 10-12 minutes, or until it has puffed upwards and the top has browned.

Not so ugly now, is it?

Lessons Learned

Lessons? An interesting question, seeing as how I'm not confident that any one thing went wrong. I suspect I under-mixed my eggs and had overly-soft peaks, as they did not mix well with the sludge portion of the dish. What is probably a greater problem is my use of a souffle instead of smaller ramekins; I suspect I should have modified the baking time to compensate, but even after trying that, it simply didn't want to set. I had a soup in the center and a beautifully browned exterior.

That said, I really don't have any problem eating dishes that look unappetizing, but I simply didn't care much for the flavor of this. The banana-cinnamon combination didn't work for me, and while I'm not a big fan of banana to start with (at least not as a stand-alone flavor), the combination created something that smelled particularly strong and tasted cloyingly sweet. The flavor problems I can probably simply blame on my palate, but the overall process simply didn't work for me. Next time I'll probably try a standard souffle recipe (utilizing egg yolks) and see if that causes similar problems. Given that I'm still adjusting to a new oven, uneven cooking temperature may be part of the issue as well. Long story short, I hate souffles.

Cardamom Vanilla Coconut "Jelly" (Gelatin)

Quite some time ago, my husband picked up a case of coconut milk at Costco. I occasionally use coconut milk in curries or stews, and I've been wanting to try it in other types of dishes. Unfortunately, I've not done much experimenting and the cans are not getting any younger. Through link hopping, I ran across a recipe for coconut jelly. In the U.S., "jelly" is what we spread on our toast, not what we call a gelatin-based dessert like this. However, in Australia and Japan, it seems, they call them jellies.

No matter what you call this, it's a wobbly, almost pudding-like dessert which is pretty tasty. I should note that I haven't exactly tried the recipe as I'm going to list it here because my result was far too sweet. I'm placing the modified recipe here so that, when I repeat this in the future, it'll be at a more appropriate sweetness level. I made a mistake when modifying the original recipe and used half as much coconut milk but the same amount of sugar, so mine is actually twice a sweet as it should have been! I used a full cup instead of a half cup, as should have been the case when scaling down the recipe.

Cardamom Vanilla Coconut Jelly:

• 1 can coconut milk
• 5 grams gelatin powder (about 1.5 tbsp.)
• 1 green cardamom pod
• 1/2 tsp. vanilla
• 1/2 cup sugar or granular Splenda (or 12 Splenda packets)
• 1 cup cold water
  

Pour the coconut milk into a saucepan and add the sugar (or Splenda) and cardamom pod. Heat the coconut milk until quite hot but not boiling. Crush the cardamom pod with your spoon after it is softened (to release more flavor). Pour the hot coconut milk into a bowl (making sure the pod goes with it). Cover the bowl to keep the liquid warm.

Wash the saucepan and add 1 cup of cold water. Add the gelatin powder and allow it to sit and dissolve for about 10 minutes. Heat the water and gelatin until quite hot (again, do not boil) and make sure the gelatin is dissolved. Add the coconut milk mixture and heat over low heat, stirring occasionally. Heat it for about 10 minutes (making sure it does not boil).

Remove the mixture from the heat and stir in 1/2 tsp. vanilla. Allow it to cool until you can comfortable handle it. You can now pour it into whatever mold you want to use. Note that you will either need to skim the mixture with a mesh scoop to get out the cardamom bits or pour into your mold through a strainer (I just used a tea strainer for mine). I just used a silicon muffin pan and a couple of very small ramekins. Refrigerate overnight before unmolding.

All but one of mine popped perfectly out of the mold. I'm mainly annoyed at myself for making them so damn sweet that I'm not getting the full subtle flavor effect that I'm sure is masked by the double sweetness. I'm still going to eat them, or at least try to. Mine made 8 servings at about 80 calories each (if made with Splenda). Because I used full fat coconut milk, there was a little waxy "crust" on the top which helped give the jelly stability when I removed it from the mold. If you look closely at the picture above, you can see it as a slightly whiter disc on the bottom. This separation is likely fattier than the rest of the jelly and you can choose not to eat it if you want to save a few calories.

by Shari (Orchid64)

The Red Cake of Courage

Red velvet cake (or cupcakes, as the case may be) seems to be one of those odd culinary devices that holds a strange fascination for a lot of people, be they chefs or cupcake enthusiasts. I had never heard of them until the last year or two, and I must admit, I was curious as well. It's relatively unusual to have such vivid colors in one's baked goods, and although I've never really been as fond of cupcakes as I am of some other desserts, they certainly are one dessert that's easy to share.

The approach of Valentine's day seems to trigger some primeval drive in food bloggers to post their versions of this recipe, and while I haven't monitored things this year to see if this trend continues, I figure I may as well do my share. Cliche or not, I'm planning to make these again this weekend to share with a friend of mine who suffers from Celiac's, which obviously complicates baked goods. In order to ensure that she's properly impressed, I decided to do a test run of the recipe to sample on some unsuspecting coworkers; that way, I could make any necessary adjustments well ahead of time and be properly impressive when the time came. This plan, as it turns out, was unnecessary: the damn things turned out perfect as far as I'm concerned, and thankfully is all set to go again this weekend. Let's hope they're the success that they should be!

Red Velvet Cupcakes
(Recipe stolen and modified from Paula Deen)

Ingredients
Cupcakes
2.5c Gluten-free flour blend*
2tbsp Unsweetened cocoa powder
1tsp Baking soda
1tsp Salt
1tsp Xantham gum
1.5c Sugar
1.5c Vegetable/Canola oil
2 Eggs
1c Buttermilk
2tbsp (1oz) Red food coloring
1tsp White vinegar
1tsp Vanilla extract

*Since this recipe was largely stolen from a non-gluten-free version, standard AP flour will work just as well in a straight-up substitution.

Frosting
2.5c Powdered sugar
16oz Cream cheese
1/2c (1 stick) Unsalted butter
1tsp Vanilla extract
1/2tsp Salt

Preheat oven to 350F

Procedure

Note: The area in which I tended to deviate from Paula's recipe is mostly in the manner/order in which the ingredients were mixed. These steps (or the inspiration for them) were borrowed from various other sources, which I unfortunately forgot to make a note of.

Mix the flour, cocoa, baking soda, salt, and xantham gum in a medium mixing bowl with a fork--note that since you're attempting to aerate the mixture somewhat, there is no such thing as too much mixing at this point. After the ingredients are properly blended, set the dry mixture aside. Add the oil and sugar to a second mixing bowl (ideally the one attached to a stand mixer) and start mixing at medium speed. Continue mixing until the ingredients appear to have made a gooey paste.

Mixing the sugar and oil together for a few minutes allows them to form a weak emulsification; the eggs we add next will help maintain it.

While the mixer is going, pour the buttermilk, food coloring, vinegar, and vanilla in a cup or small bowl. Mix the contents briefly with a fork to ensure that the coloring is distributed thoroughly. Returning to the mixer, add the eggs to the sugar paste, one at a time, ensuring that the first has completely vanished before adding the second. As mentioned in the caption above, the eggs will help ensure that the sugar and oil remain mixed properly by preventing them from separating into their individual components. To finalize this process, add 1/4 of the dry ingredients with the mixer on low speed (adding it on medium will result in a large cloud of powder coating you and your kitchen). I say this finalizes the process because the oil/sugar substance will be bound to the dry mixture, preventing the aforementioned separation; we only add 1/4 of the mix because there isn't enough liquid in the bowl to properly coat the entire batch of dry ingredients. Consequently, you now add 1/3 of the wet mixture. Continue in the same manner, alternating wet and dry (with the 1/4 and 1/3 ratio, you should start and finish with dry additions) until both mixtures have been incorporated in the bowl. At this point, the red color is ... evident.

I recommend tasting the mix to see if anything seems off. My gluten-free flour blend lends a peculiar taste to baked goods pre-baking, but my batter was still rather tasty.

Note: I suppose now is a good time to mention that if you're making this using standard AP flour, do not overmix! Lumps are OK, but overmixing will lead to activating the gluten in the flour, which will result in chewy cupcakes. Of course, since I was working gluten-free, I didn't worry about this!

Line a muffin tin (12 spots preferred!) with cupcake liners and fill each container about 2/3 to 3/4 full of the batter (I find that an ice cream scoop works well for this) and bake at 350F for 20-22 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center of one comes out clean. At this point, your cupcakes should look edible, yet adorable.

I was rather proud that I didn't slop much all over the pan. You must be duly impressed.

Allow the cupcakes to cool in the pan for a few minutes until they can be removed to a wire cooling rack (or a countertop; I'm not picky). This recipe makes somewhere between 20 and 24 cupcakes, depending on how ambitious you are with your batter scoops. While they're cooling, cream the butter, cream cheese, vanilla, salt, and powdered sugar together in a bowl (ideally the same bowl used for the cupcake batter--after cleaning it, of course). If you're using an electric mixer, I strongly recommend that you start on low speed for the first few minutes. After the sugar has been completely incorporated, speed things up to medium-high until the consistency seems right (spreadable, but not too airy). At this point, sample the frosting to see if it's up to your standards; you can add up to 1.5c of additional powdered sugar if desired, but I find that this tends to kill the kick from the cream cheese. Frost the cupcakes generously and gorge as desired!

Lessons Learned
As I mentioned early on, the transformation from glutenized to gluten-free for this recipe was quite seamless; quite frankly, I was pleasantly shocked. My gluten-free experiments have mostly been great so far, but I was worried this one would require a few iterations. Here's hoping the gluten-free friend they were designed for is as impressed as I was!

Further Frozen Failure

Despite what you might infer from the title of this post, I don't necessarily consider this attempt a failure--I simply enjoy alliteration. Nonetheless, it is most certainly not a successful attempt either, except in the sense that it gives me more ammunition with which to go back next time and try to build upon my previous attempts. Which, of course, is the whole point of my documenting these instances, so I suppose it was a total success; just not quite what I had hoped for.

Allow me to explain. As I mentioned in my previous frozen project, I have not had great success with my relatively new ice cream maker attachment for The KitchenAid. The KitchenAid itself is, of course, fantastic, and has become a staple of most anything I produce, allowing me to remain my lazy self while still enjoying the fruits of much labor. However, all of my attempts at ice cream thus far (particularly those based on corn starch, i.e., the ones that are practical to make, as I don't keep a dozen egg yolks lying around most of the time) have resulted in delicious chunks of very solid ice that resist the infiltration of a spoon with impressive tenacity. My repeated experiments have given me some insight into this phenomenon, but I am still undecided as to whether I should blame my freezer or my ice cream making technique; consequently, I must continue attempting until I find something that works right.

This attempt was no different, as I took an existing recipe (stolen this time from The Kitchn) and tweaked it to help compensate for my previous experiences. This tweaking, as you'll see, did indeed help, but not as much as I would have hoped.

Lemon Ice Cream
(As stolen from the folks at The Kitchen)

Ingredients
1.5oz Cream cheese
3 1/4c Half and half
1tbsp Corn starch
1/3c Sugar
1/4c Brown sugar
1.5tbsp Corn syrup
1/4tsp Salt
1/2tsp Vanilla extract
1tbsp Vodka
1 Lemon

Procedure
1) Place the cream cheese in the mixer bowl and process until it is softened and resembles something like cake icing.

This softening helps produce a smoother cream later on.

2) In a bowl or cup, mix 2tbsp of the half and half with the corn starch. Ensure that no clumps of starch remain undissolved and set aside.

3) Place the remaining half and half in a skillet or saucepan and set over medium heat. Mix in the sugars and corn syrup and bring to a boil. Simmer just until the sugar and syrup are completely dissolved; this shouldn't take more than a minute or so.

Stirring gently will prevent a skin from forming on the top; not necessary, but I prefer to do so.

4) Remove the mixture from the heat and whisk in the corn starch mixture. Return it to the heat and bring back up to a boil, stirring continously to prevent boiling over. Boil for about a minute and then turn off the heat.

5) Pour the hot mixture into the bowl with the whipped cream cheese and stir with a spatula to ensure that the cream cheese is scraped off the bottom and sides of the bowl. Add the salt, vodka, and zest from the lemon and set the entire mixture in the refrigerator to chill for at least 8 hours.

Note: Placing a cover of plastic wrap pressed against the top of the mixture will prevent a skin from forming on the top.

6) When the mixture has chilled, add the vanilla and the juice from the lemon to the mixture and stir thoroughly. Pour into your ice cream maker (making sure to start the churner first!) and proceed with whatever the maker's instructions say.

From this image, I don't think I let it churn long enough; that may be specific to my mixer.

7) When the process is finished, scoop the ice cream into a sealable container and place in the freezer to cure for at least 4 hours.

This picture is deceptive; the surface is actually very stiff. Oddly enough, it has a similar texture to that of over-solidified ice cream. Imagine that.

Lessons Learned
I added the vodka to the recipe in hopes of keeping it softer, as the alcohol would inhibit the freezing process. This did work, in that compared to my previous attempts, it was slightly more pliable when I took a chisel and hammer to it. That said, it wasn't enough; next time I think I'll bump up the mixer speed (to incorporate more air) and add an additional tablespoon of vodka to see if the combination helps. However, I'll probably try a different recipe, as I actually wasn't blown away by this one. The lemon zest came out far too stringy (as it is wont to do) and gets stuck in my teeth. I think lemon ice cream works best as a side to a different dessert, which makes sense, as the Kitchn folks were having it alongside wedding cake. Having the ice cream straight up seems to lack balance; it needs something sweet to even it out.

Burning Rings of Fire

Ahh, doughnuts... I realize that I wax hyperbolic about any number of treats in this forum (corn, cheesecake... oh, and pie, I suppose. Almighty king of cuisine that it is, after all.), but despite the fact that I have rather strong fondness for doughnuts as well, I've resisted attempting them for some time now. This is due to the very simple fact that making them from scratch scares me. There are few enough dishes that I'm unwilling to take on, and even fewer that I adore eating and still avoid, but doughnuts have resided at the top of that list since the idea first managed to lodge itself ever-so-gently in the back of my mind.

I have several reasons (or excuses, perhaps) for this irrational fear; after all, making home-fried doughnuts involves what would be considered a rather large amount of oil that burns like the fire of a thousand suns the moment it splatters onto my hand (as is, of course, inevitable when I do any amount of frying). Furthermore, I have trouble believing that I can surpass the culinary genius that I can experience firsthand in any donut shop for the meager price of ~$7 per dozen with any variety of sprinkles and glazes (not to mention fillings!). But perhaps first and foremost on my list of hangups with these doughy halos relates to the mass genocide of gassy little creatures that make all that is doughnut possible: yeast.

I've never worked with yeast in the past. It's one of those peculiar things that I read about, I understand (to some extent), and even have ready in my pantry--I simply never take that next step to start working with it. I suppose this is due in part to the fact that having never worked with these little bastards before, I really don't have a solid understanding of how to tell when things have gone wrong. With a steak, I can smell and see charring and know that I should reduce the heat. With brownies, I can see an overly-smooth batter and know that I'm going to be eating chocolate bread for a week. With chicken, I can just tell myself I'm going screw it up anyway so there's no sense worrying about it (at which point I make a quick trip to my local sandwich shop, hanging my head in shame. "Hi Shawn!" they'll say, "cooking chicken again, eh?" "Yeah..., just give me the usual.")

With yeast-dependent recipes, on the other hand, I know absolutely nothing, except that my recipe will never end up like the pictures I see online when I follow recipes stolen from others (hi Joy! I did try to warn you I'd be appropriating this one too!). And while I went into this experiment knowing that this was inevitable, I felt that it was time to conquer the fear. Glaring at my tiny packet of instant yeast, I ripped it open in one swipe, determined that I would be ruled by my emotions no longer.

... Naturally, my first opening attempt was a little overly-vigorous and I emerged coated in a fine layer of my would-be enemy. Grabbing a second packet and resolving to be on the lookout for more such trickery in the future, I set to work.

Yeast-Risen Doughnuts
(as "adapted" from Joy the Baker)

Ingredients
1 Package of instant-rise yeast
3 1/4c Flour
1c Milk
1/4c Room-temperature butter
3 Egg yolks
4tbsp Sugar
1tsp Salt
1/2tsp Cinnamon
1/2tsp Nutmeg*
1/2tsp Ginger*
1qt Vegetable oil

*I took some creative liberties with the flavorings, but as you'll see later, it really didn't make a difference.

Procedure
1) In a mixer bowl, mix the flour, yeast, sugar, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, until well blended. Note that since I'm using instant-rise yeast, it will theoretically work without giving it a soak in warm water. Subsequent experiments have shown me that while this is true, the rise is much faster if you give it a bath anyway. Tempermental bastards, no?

2) Once the ingredients are homogenized, add the milk, butter, and egg yolks and mix with a dough hook attachment until the mess comes together. Continue mixing at medium speed for ~5 minutes.

3) At this point, you are left with a highly attractive looking lump of dough:

Look at 'em... you know they're up to something...

4) Sprinkle the surface somewhat liberally with flour and cover the bowl with a towel. Set it in a reasonably warm place to start rising (I found that the top of the fridge worked perfectly) and leave it there for about 2-3 hours, or until it has approximately doubled in volume.

5) Sprinkle a countertop with a dusting of flour and turn your engorged yeast lump out onto it. Gently spread it with your hands into a rough circle.

6) Use a rolling pin to roll the circle into a larger circle until it is between 1/4 and 1/2 of an inch thick.

7) Using a pastry ring (or biscuit cutter, or ... um... a tin can or something), cut out doughnut-sized rounds. Use a smaller ring to cut out the holes.

I'm not sure how one would cut holes when using a can, but I trust you can figure something out.

8) Re-roll the dough as desired to get more doughnuts. It's worth noting that the second and third rollings will not be as light as the first batch unless the dough is given more time to rest. Since I'm impatient, I just cut them all at once and said to hell with it.

9) Set the freshly cut doughnuts (and holes!) on a lightly floured baking sheet to rest for about 30 minutes. Coincidentally, this gives you just enough time to start heating your oil in a large heavy pot or skillet. Be sure it reaches at least 350F (or ripples lightly when left standing still) before attempting to start frying.

10) After the oil has come to temperature, carefully drop the doughnuts into the oil, one at a time. Do not attempt to fry more than 3 at once or the oil temperature could drop lower than we want and create soggy doughnuts.

They start browning rather quickly. Be sure to watch them carefully.

11) After about 2-3 minutes, flip the doughnuts with a slotted spoon (or, even better, chopsticks!) and allow to fry on the other side for another 2 minutes.

It's rather easy to tell when they're done... they should really be doughnut-colored.

12) Remove the doughnuts using the same spoon or chopsticks and place them on a wire rack to drain and cool. Repeat steps 10 and 11 with the remaining doughnuts and holes.

13) Glaze with whatever you desire; I'd make recommendations, but I wasn't entirely pleased with how my glaze turned out. I'd recommend finding a recipe that sounds intriguing for that aspect and steal it from there instead. (I used the one from Joy, as borrowed from Alton Brown; it was tasty, but came out very runny and never really firmed up as much as I'd have liked.)

You can see right through the chocolate coating in this version.

This is after I refrigerated the glaze for ~20 minutes and re-dipped the doughnuts. Much better, but still too soft to the touch.

Lessons Learned
Emerging from my epic battle only slightly scathed (damn that oil!), I discovered that the fear had vanished in the surge of triumph. I had destroyed my enemy in classic fashion, allowing no survivors and only slight casualties as a consequence. Still, the yeast had the last laugh; my doughnuts tasted exactly like a loaf of bread, and only the glaze had any chance of changing this. Heavy doses of chocolate and peanut butter calmed the yeast's overpowering taste, but I could hear the bastards laughing all the way down. Next time, I'm making chemically-leavened doughnuts, and to hell with these damn microorganisms. I'll save them for breads and pizza.

The Brownies that Weren't

Before I get started on this post, I feel I must mention that it's been a while since I actually created this recipe; in fact, I've managed to put off writing about it for the better part of three weeks thanks to a sizeable backlog that I managed to compile around labor day (as you've no doubt noticed). That being the case, I can barely remember how I put the recipe together, which is all the more unfortunate since it was a semi-original creation, and thus I don't have a recipe waiting in the ranks for me to reference. As such, I'll be working from my memory, which has been eroded by a steady diet of junk food and wine for the past several weekends. Who knows? Perhaps my memory will improve the results!

Due to a spontaneous lack of cocoa powder in my pantry, I was stymied when I felt like baking something familiar (like brownies, for example). Never being one to let adversity get me down, I decided that if I couldn't have chocolate brownies, I'd have peanut butter brownies instead. ... Er, blondies, I guess. Whatever they're called, I felt that if I had a brownie recipe and I had peanut butter, I could simply remove the chocolate, make some creative substitutions, and voila! Perfect blondies would result! As some might guess, this isn't entirely how things unfolded... (then again, the picture at the top looks good, right?)

Peanut Butter Blondies
(As adapted from my previous brownies recipe)

Ingredients
1/2tsp baking powder
1/3c butter, melted
1/3c peanut butter
1/2c cold milk
2c white sugar
2 eggs
2c all-purpose flour*
1tsp vanilla extract
1/4tsp salt

* Those familiar with my brownies may note that this is way more flour than usual. From my vague recollections, I decided to balance out the lack of cocoa powder with an increase in flour. I'm not entirely sure this is the ratio I used, but we'll go with it.

Preheat oven to 375F

Procedure
1) Mix all the dry ingredients (except the sugar!) in a large bowl with a whisk until well mixed.

Ok, I used a fork. Like it made a difference.

2) In a stand mixer (or another large bowl with a whisk), mix the eggs until lightened and aerated, as shown below:

They hardly look like eggs anymore...

3) While the eggs are mixing, attempt to mix the peanut butter with the melted butter. This step helps soften the peanut butter to a pourable consistency. Of course, the peanut butter doesn't always cooperate, especially when it's organic crap bought from Coscto that you're frantically trying to finish up so that you can never ever use it again. ... Just saying.

Stupid organic junk...

4) Slowly add the sugar to the egg mixture and allow to mix until combined.

It's worth noting that substituting 1c of brown sugar for 1c of white sugar in this recipe can make for added moisture in the end result; I might actually recommend this for future batches.

5) Add the butter/peanut butter mixture to the mixer and wait until combined.

6) Slowly add in the dry ingredients with the mixer on its lowest setting. Note that this step is saved for last because this is where gluten is introduced, which means that mixing time now makes the difference between peanut butter-flavored bread and peanut-butter flavored awesome. Mix only until the dry vanishes from the surface; better to have a few unmixed lumps than to have rubbery blondies.

I spout forth all this advice about gluten, but would you care to guess whether I remembered all this at the time?

7) Pour the mixture into a greased 9x9 pan and smooth out the top.

I actually used a 9x13, as I was making a double batch.

8) Bake at 375F for approximately 35-40 minutes, or until it looks like this:

Since mine was a double batch, I had to guess when they were done. I think it worked out all right.

9) Slice and serve as needed.

Lessons Learned
This was a great learning recipe, perhaps most particularly because I was mostly making it up as I went. That said, due to my mishap with my gluten mixing, my blondes were indeed more peanut butter bread than anything else. Still tasty, but the peanut butter was not strong enough (god I hate that organic junk), so next time around I'd omit butter entirely and substitute all peanut butter (e.g., 2/3c peanut butter). Another enhancement that occurred to me later on would be adding chocolate chips to the batch somewhere around step 6 above; chocolate is always friendly with peanut butter, and it could also add an interesting textural contrast. Nuts might also be acceptable.

Custard Crackup

My affinity for cheescake may not be well-documented, but rest assured, I consider it one of the greatest sweet creations since the development of pie. For those of you who are pointing out that a cheesecake is basically a cream pie made with cheese, you're absolutely correct; does that make me wrong? Pie is the single greatest thing in the universe; it is to food what Chuck Norris is to an average human. Pie has the capacity to end wars, right wrongs, and leap tall buildings with a single bound, all while still being delicious in every single form (with the possible exception of pumpkin, but I'm willing to let that one slide).

But I'm not here to talk about pie. Well, not entirely (just watch for future entries!); instead, I'll continue with the pie that is cheesecake. It should be pointed out that I do not own a springform pan. I hate the things; they're messy, they leak, and they serve only a single purpose (delightful though that purpose may be). As such, all my cheesecake creations thus far have resided in a single 9x9" square pan. Is it the best vessel to bake and display the greatness that is the cake (or pie!) of cheese? Most certainly not. Does it get the job done? So far, yes.

With that out of the way, my last adventure with cheesecake (which went sadly undocumented) led me to discover that some recipes call for cheeses *other* than cream cheese. As this had never occurred to me before, I had to investigate further, and, of course, test out these recipes for myself. I've never been a big fan of ricotta cheese; to me, it tends to be bland, lifeless, and I really don't like the texture, as it's not what I expect when I think "cheese". As such, it was a perfect candidate for my cheesecake experiment. And so, after some lengthy research, I settled on stealing a recipe from FoodTV's resident female Italian food expert, Giada. It should be noted that I took some liberties with the actual ingredients, but I stayed more or less true to the recipe itself.

Ricotta Cheesecake
(heisted from Giada de Laurentiis)

Ingredients
Crust
2c Rolled oats (ground coarsely in processor or blender)
1c Brown sugar
1c Butter (melted)

Custard
6tbsp Butter, melted
16oz Ricotta
16oz Cream cheese
3/4c Sugar
1/4c Honey
1tbsp Lemon zest
4 eggs

Preheat oven to 350F

Procedure
1) In a large bowl, mix the ground oats and the brown sugar thoroughly. Add the butter and mix until it comes together.

2) Press the crust into the bottom of a greased 9x9" pan and bake at 350F for 15 minutes.

3) Remove and set aside to cool. Be sure to cool the crust for at least 10-15 minutes before adding the cheesecake mixture!

I used oats because I ran out of graham crackers.

4) In a mixer bowl, mix the ricotta on its own until it is reasonably creamy. Add the cream cheese and mix thoroughly.

I wasn't sure what "creamy" looked like for ricotta, so I didn't worry about it overmuch.

5) After the cheeses have mixed a bit, slowly add the sugar, honey, and lemon zest.

I almost forgot the eggs at this point, as it was so creamy already!

6) Add the eggs, one at a time, and mix until thoroughly blended.

7) Pour the mixture onto the prepared crust and bake at 350F for about an hour. Start checking it at around the 45 minute mark, as some ovens will vary. It's ready to come out when the center jiggles slightly and still resembles a liquid, but the outside is firm.

8) Allow the cheesecake to cool to room temperature on the counter, then refrigerate for at *least* 4 hours. Overnight works better.

Lessons Learned
As seen in the first image of this post, this recipe taught me the value of adding that pan of water that most cheesecake recipes call for during baking. I didn't mind the cracked-ness of the end product, and it still tasted good. That said, I don't care much for the honey flavor of it; I prefer a pure cheesecake flavor. Overall, I really didn't notice much difference using ricotta instead of all cream cheese, so I probably won't bother doing it again, as cream cheese is far cheaper than ricotta these days.

Fahrenheit -451

I have a confession to make, my dear readers: I actually made this recipe before the Hostess fiasco detailed below. In my vanity, I chose to post the pocket pie disaster before this one so that I could swiftly cover up my failure with a subsequent success. I'd be ashamed, but somehow, I think I'm OK with it. That said, this recipe is not a complete success, so consider this my way of easing you back into my usual batches of perfection incarnate. I like to try and make things easy on all involved.

As many folks know, with the purchase of a KitchenAid stand mixer comes the opportunity to purchase a myriad of different devices to attach to said mixer in order to perform a variety of different tasks. When the mixer is upgraded with said attachment, one can grind meat, make pasta, juice veggies, and (presumably) produce quality food products by day and fight the forces of evil by night under the psuedonym "Voltron". (Note that I haven't attempted that last one yet, but it is indeed advertised in the KitchenAid attachment catalog. Go ahead! Check for yourself.)

This overly-verbose intro is my long-winded way of saying that, despite my resistance to spend additional money on products to continue cluttering up my kitchen, I decided to succumb to temptation and buy the KitchenAid ice-cream maker add-on kit (and for approximately the same price I paid for the mixer itself, I might add). As of late, The Kitchn has been running an ice cream making contest, asking readers to submit their best recipes, and after a week or two, I could no longer resist. At this point, I needed a maker, and rather than pay for an additional appliance, I figured getting the expansion for the mixer was a savvier (and more space-conservative) purchase.

Naturally, I was eager to get my device up and running, so after waiting the appropriate 24 hours to freeze the bowl, I readied up my first trial recipe, selected mostly because I'm well-known for having a penchant for all things peanut butter and chocolate oriented.

Peanut Butter and Chocolate Ice Cream
(as adapted from Joy the Baker, although hers looks significantly prettier than mine)

Ingredients
2c 1% Milk
1c heavy cream
1c sugar
1/3c natural cocoa powder
1/4tsp salt
3tbsp Corn starch
1/2c semisweet chocolate chips
1/4c bittersweet baking chocolate chunks
1/2c organic smooth peanut butter

As you can see, I took some creative liberties with the recipe, none of which had any adverse affect on the end result, in my opinion. I still recommend reading Joy's entry, as she does a much better job of it than I do.

Procedure
1) Place a sauce pan on medium heat and add 1.5c of the milk and half of the cream. Allow the liquid to warm up (although do not bring it to a boil).

2) Add the sugar, cocoa powder, and salt, and whisk to combine.

The mixture will take some time to get incorporated.

3) Whisk steadily until the powder dissolves completely (although some chunks are always going to remain).


4) In a separate bowl, mix the remaining milk and the corn starch until it is smooth. Note that you can't let this sit for very long or else it'll solidify, requiring further mixing.

5) When the heated mixture begins to steam, add the corn starch mixture and bring to a low boil. Whisk steadily until the solution reaches a pudding-like consistency.

Note: Do *not* eat the pudding. It'll be much better as ice cream anyway.

6) Turn off the heat and mix in the remaining cream, chocolate chips, and baking chocolate. Stir until the chunks melt and are incorporated into the mixture. Pour the mix into a bowl and chill, covered, for at least 4 hours.

The chilling process allows for a creamier ice cream.

7) Once the mixture is well-chilled, assemble your ice cream maker and follow its instructions. Note that it's important to have the churner moving before adding the ice cream base, or else it may not incorporate properly.

...Yeah, so it was harder to pour in than I had anticipated. Look at how little clearance I have between the bowl and the beater!

8) After the mixture has thickened (generally about 30 minutes), disassemble the device and move the ice cream into a freezer-safe container.

9) Use a spatula to fold in the peanut butter. Do not overmix, as you want a nice streak of peanut butter running through it, not total incorporation.

10) Place your ice cream in the freezer and allow to freeze (or "cure") overnight. Yes, it takes that long (depending on your freezer--mine sucks); I only gave it 4 hours and it was still "pudding-y". Delicious, but not ice cream.

An example of improperly-cured ice cream. Yes, it was great, but it wasn't very well frozen, and was basically like eating frozen pudding.

Lessons Learned:
Contrary to Joy's instructions, I feel that adding the peanut butter during the churning process (even at the end) caused too much incorporation of my peanut butter. While this recipe tasted fantastic, as you can see from the images above, pouring something that's pudding-like in consistency into a very small opening can be difficult. As such, I don't know that corn starch-based ice cream recipes are my favorites; next time, I'll try a custard-based chocolate recipe and simply fold in peanut butter at the end. Still, this made for a very delicious semi-failure; one can only hope all my mistakes taste this good.

Mutiny on the HMS Hostess

Who would've thought such a simple device could cause such trouble?

As my few readers have no doubt noticed, thus far I have posted recipes that have been considered more or less successful. Even in the instances where the finished product was not something I was looking for, the experience was informative and it ultimately brings me a greater understanding of the product I *do* want. Well, lest you all think that my kitchen is a wonderland of magical materials that render ever attempt perfect, I present what is quite possibly the greatest culinary disaster my kitchen has ever seen: pocket pies.

As a child, I grew up gorging myself on Hostess products, just as my father had before me and so on through generations. The passing down of the Hostess craving was something of a time-honored tradition in our family, and I often found I could make a meal out of nothing more than 2-3 of their handheld fruit pies. (Yes, one would be enough, but one wants a little variety in a meal!) Naturally, as my metabolism has slowed and my fat reserves grown, I have thankfully steered myself out of the fast lane towards diabetes and back towards more conservative eating habits (my lingering bulk notwithstanding). However, when I discovered an episode of Good Eats dedicated solely to reproducing these little delicacies from my youth, there was little doubt in my mind that I would have to at least attempt the recipe and simply hope that I could bring the things into work and thereby spread the guilt joy amongst my coworkers instead.

Be not ye fooled; the photo at the top of this post, if you haven't guessed already, is most certainly not the end result of this experiment. Indeed, this recipe has convinced me that as gods were those who created the Hostess fruit pie, for it is certainly beyond my mortal abilities to recreate my beloved confection. Perhaps this is for the best, as my experience with this recipe has not only convinced me to halt any pie pastry-related endeavors in my near future, but it may have also soured me to the Hostess products I had once adored. Read on, my faithful viewers, and behold the horrific tale that unfolds.

Chocolate-filled Pocket Pies
Recipes adapted from various sources, as listed in each section below.

Pastry Dough:
Recipe appropriated from Laylita's Recipes
3c flour
1/2c sugar
Pinch of salt
2 eggs
8 tbsp butter
8 tbsp shortening
2-4 tbsp cold water

1) Mix the flour, sugar, and salt in a large bowl with a fork or whisk until well mixed.

2) Add the butter, eggs, and water and mix until a dough forms.

Funny note: From the looks of things (and upon reflection), I don't think I added the damned eggs!

3) Form the dough into a large mound and flatten out somewhat. Refrigerate the lump for around 30 minutes.

This is what it looked like *before* entering the fridge... However, I let it sit overnight out of laziness.

... yes, there's more to Laylita's recipe, and no, I didn't get there. Due to a combination of complications (including the lack of eggs I mentioned above... damn it), the dough came out of the fridge a powdery mess that refused to coalesce back into the lump shown above. Now, after much reflection, I came up with several reasons for this:

a) Too much sugar in the dough: adding too much sugar can cause the sugar to lay claim to water intended for the flour, thus leaving the flour to be a powdery mess.
b) Too much time in the fridge: combined with the excessive sugar, the extra time simply allowed the sugar to mug the flour particles for their water for an extended period.
c) Lack of eggs: Obviously, the eggs would help as both a binder and a liquifier. With this revelation in hand, the dough recipe might actually be worth trying again sometime. Sometime later.

Regardless of the reasons behind it, I threw out the dough, as I was tired of fighting with it. I decided to roll back to the original recipe's dough instead. But in the meantime, I decided to create the chocolate goo that I was going to fill my pastries with. After all, it's chocolate filling--I couldn't possibly screw it up!

Chocolate Filling:
Recipe appropriated from Good Eats
2.5c sugar
1/4c + 1tbsp cocoa powder
1/4tsp salt
10oz butter

1) Dump the sugar, powder, and salt into a zip-top bag and shake vigorously.

At this point, my shaking was most vigorous, as I was already in a mood.

2) Add the butter to the bag and squish the crap out of it.

Squishing is also a good activity when frustrated.

While this recipe looks fairly innocent, it actually ends up being a huge pain simply because it takes a hell of a lot of squishing to get a uniform distribution between that much butter and that much not-butter! Nonetheless, this was obviously the more pleasant portion of my experiment. Since I did my squishing immediately after placing my pastry dough in the fridge, I refrigerated it until I was ready to pipe it out. Note that if refrigerated, this stuff needs to sit out to return to room temperature before it's easy to pipe out of the bag. So, now that that's taken care of, we can move onto the final portion of this god-forsaken recipe--my second batch (grr...) of dough.

Pastry Dough (Second Incarnation):
Recipe appropriated from Good Eats
2c flour
2tsp baking powder
3/4tsp salt
6tbsp shortening
3/4c milk
1 egg mixed with 1tsp of water (for sealing)

Preheat oven to 350F

I should note that while preparing this dough, I was already irritated with my previous experience, and as such, was not necessarily planning on publishing the recipe. Thus, I didn't take any pictures until the end. I'll have to try to fill in the blanks with my masterful wordsmithing instead.

1) Mix the flour, baking powder, and salt in a large bowl with a fork or whisk. The recipe calls for a food processor, but I really don't see the need at this point, and I don't own one anyway.

2) Knead the shortening into the mixture with your hands until it is crumbly, much like when making a pie dough.

I think the thought "pie dough" is what screwed me up with the first recipe; I never add eggs to pie dough, so I didn't think about it when I blindly omittted them.

3) Add the milk and mix it in with a spatula until the dough comes together. Note that since this isn't actually going to be a pie crust, you don't need to worry about overmixing the dough as excess gluten will not hurt the end texture here.

4) Lightly flour the countertop and your hands and slam the dough onto it. Flour the top of the dough as well.

5) Roll out the dough until it is about 1/3 of an inch thick. I strongly suspect I rolled mine out too thin--yet another bad omen.

6) Cut out rounds of the dough with a biscuit cutter (or other ring approximately 2 inches in diameter). Re-roll the dough as many times as necessary after cutting rounds out of it.

7) Roll each round out slightly to make it ovular in shape and pipe out a small blob of the chocolate filling into each one. Note that this step can (and probably should) be performed one round at a time, rather than all of them at once.

8) Brush the egg mixture across one side of the oval using the tip of a finger or pastry brush.

9) Fold the dough over and try to press out any excess air.

10) Use the tines of a fork to crimp the edges of the pastry and to pierce some ventilation holes in the top of the pie.

11) Repeat steps 7-10 for all the pastry rounds. Place the finished pastries on a baking sheet and bake for 25-30 minutes.

Seems relatively straightforward, if a little long in the steps, right? Well, here we are:

Stupid pies.

As you can see, I took the liberty of placing the damned things on a wire rack, as I figured that would provide better ventilation around all sides of the pie. Even though it would *probably* leave wire rack indentations on the pies themselves, I could live with that. Right? Ha! I bet these things exploded after the first minute, and spent the rest of the baking time laughing at me for my audacity.

Lessons learned:
That I probably won't be trying this again for the time being? I can't say never, as I'll give them another shot at some point, but certainly not for now. Perhaps the best lesson to take out of this is that $1 for a Hostess pie suddenly seems a lot more reasonable.